Deadly Rants: About Handheld Gaming

Now, I’m no rocket scientist but looking at the ongoing console war I’d say that we’ve reached a new level of pathetic. The current console war between Microsoft and Sony can be easily described as two dudes hitting each other over the head with sticks and everyone who’s watching arguing over why their favorite dude is better at sticking it to the other. Now as a wise man once said “it’s not the stick you’ve got but rather how long can you keep hitting someone with the stick before it breaks.” Those are some pretty smart words I wonder who said that. OH YEAH, ME.

ConsolesAt this point both sticks have broken in two but Microsoft and Sony are nothing if not relentless so they keep finding new and more bizarre ways to hit each other with the stick. There was Sony’s famous move of switching their large ended stick that might as well been an actual tree with a piece of twig, Microsoft covering it’s stick with barbed wire in the hopes of creating enough friction to better hold the stick with, and who could forget the one time someone stole Sony’s stick and they had to wait in the time out bin until somebody got it back.

The battle has become so boring that Sony and Microsoft have resorted to bringing out the next generation of consoles which supply such little change than the previous consoles that it’s almost laughably sad.  I really don’t think my gaming experience would be any better if my PS4 could accurately process every cell on Solid Snake’s ass, why yes Kojima I would like an extreme close up of that, or by how well I can see the dirt on my penis – I mean gun. I feel like a new race is being held, one that’s far more interesting and far more innovative than the one being handled by the big boys in the shower room.

Handhelds seem to be where all the cool kids are at and who could blame them when the 3DS and the PSP vita are boasting such powerful titles on such small machines. Okay maybe not the PS vita, maybe just the 3DS. Yes PS vita we’re all very impressed by how you can run Mortal Kombat and Uncharted on your very well sized screen but I don’t think you understand why people like to play hand held video games.

The 3DS seems to be a little more focused then the PS vita given that the 3DS tries to be its own thing and the PS vita tries to be like Big Brother PS3. There’s also backwards compatibility; thank you Nintendo for acknowledging that some of us would like to play some of your older games even if it is the only thing keeping you afloat. I’M LOOKING AT YOU NEW SUPER MARIO BROS 364. Now Nintendos frantic desire to remind you of the good old days “no really they were just like this we swear” I feel like the 3DS is taking a step in the right direction, particularly the one that doesn’t lead to a spike pit.

So the 3DS manages to keep itself afloat with a few steady releases from3DS trustworthy IPs such as; Animal Crossing, Fire Emblem, Pokémon, Donkey Kong Country, Luigi’s mansion, and that one game I can’t remember. The hand held world of gaming is putting enough of a hefty fight that I could argue that they’re doing a thousand times better than the home consoles. No I’m serious. Stop laughing.

See, the thing about the hand held consoles is that they have one thing that Sony and Microsoft’s cardboard monoliths don’t. What is that you might ask? Why are you asking me this? You could have literally waited five seconds for me to say it instead of interrupting me. Now you’ve derailed me entirely and it’s taken me longer to get to the point, LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

Okay so the biggest advantage hand held gaming has is cheapness. No I don’t mean the kind of cheapness that’s bad I mean the kind of cheapness that’s good. Particularly the kind that’s easy on your wallet and lets you feel like you’ve made a wise purchase. Now I myself was surprised when I discovered that the 3DS was only 170 dollars and even less when buying off of someone on the internet. Now that seems like a very reasonable price for a 3DS but what really floored me was that the games for it were less than 40 dollars. 40 fucking dollars for a brand new fucking game do you know how mind blowing that is to people like me?

Now, despite having recently switched to PC gaming I’m still used to the ludicrous prices of regular console gaming. In fact even in PC gaming brand new games are usually worth the same amount despite including special deals. Who could forget that one time that pre ordering Bioshock Infinite got you THREE FUCKING GAMES? DID YOU FORGET? CAUSE I FUCKING DIDN’T. But seriously, 40 dollars for a game is something I can’t get behind. It’s not just 40 dollars for a game either it’s usually 40 dollars for a good game. We all know how well the 3DS’s games have been as of late. Can we say the same for the PS3 and the 360? No, shut up, Grand Theft Auto doesn’t count.

Another massive advantage I see in hand held gaming would be exclusivity because many of the bestselling games for home consoles are out for ALL home consoles, except for the WiiU because the WiiU don’t give a shit about your gun shooters. You know, now that I think about it.Virtual Boy The Wii and the WiiU are very similar to hand held consoles. Nintendo keeps making their hand helds bigger and bigger and the WiiU practically comes with a handheld for you to play with.

Oh my god they’re trying to fuse Hand Held consoles with House Hold consoles. QUICK SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE BEFORE THEY MAKE ANOTHER VIRTUAL BOY!



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